Ewww, That Smell

Has anyone seen Safe? Julianne Moore plays Carol White, a woman with such extreme chemical sensitivities that cleaning fumes give her seizures. Let's hope Carol never had to visit a gay bar. For reasons unknown to me, the typical homo gathering seems to boast more eye-watering synthetic smelliness than a middle-school dance. A Drakkar there, an Aqua Di Gio there, mix in a little Axe spray — it's like the perfume counter at the Sodom mall. Is there something so wrong with smelling like yourself?

I'm generally pretty tolerant of other's odors, but that changed this past Saturday. I was at a friend' birthday at Larry's Lounge when I ducked outside for a breath of fresh air. But it turns out the 18th St. air had that not-so-fresh feeling. The scent of Curve was so overwhelming that my beer tasted like rubbing alcohol. But what was the source of this olfactory assault?

It wasn't my boyfriend. It wasn't my Bud Light. It turns out that it was young man standing six feet away from me. Six feet! Outdoors! I could've taken a shit six feet away and it would've smelled better. I was surprised that the combination of his cologne fumes and lit cigarette didn't combust, sending our friend to that great Abercrombie in the sky.

So here's a little hint for everyone: Whatever you smelled like before you left the house, your cologne smells worse. Did you spend all day at the outdoor fish market? Your cologne smells worse. Leave a glass of milk in a hot car for twelve hours and soak your boxers in it? Your cologne smells worse. Butt sex? Even if you just finished having it, your cologne smells worse. Showering and changing your clothes eliminates 95 percent of personal malodors. A little deodorant takes care of the rest.

After that? Just smell like you. That's the sexiest smell of all. I think my boyfriend smells best after 30-mile bike rides. Granted, I'd be embarrassed to go to dinner with him in that state, but there's something alluring about a guy who's confident in something as basic as their own scent.

But I understand that cologne is a choice, and can also have its own merits if used properly. And proper cologne usage is just a little bit of it. If I can smell it when I lean in to kiss you, you've used the right amount. If I can smell it when I lean in to kiss your brother in Boise, you've used too much. My roommates in college routinely had to open the windows when I used an extra spray or two of the strong stuff. Eventually I learned, and I'm better off for it.

So here's the bottom line: Don't smell bad, but don't go too far out of your way to smell good. If someone's gonna fuck you, it'll be because you're cute, or smart, or easy, or drunk enough to ignore their goiter. Your smell has very little to do with it.