Battered Wife Syndrome

In "Testing My Mettle," I wrote about an incident where my boyfriend and I got heckled outside of Nellie's for holding hands, and how I was too scared and complacent to do anything about it. In the comments for this post, Ben compared this reaction to Battered Wife Syndrome, a colloquially-named condition where one becomes so used to another's abuse that they cease to resist it. In some cases, they begin to think they deserve it.

In so many responses to posts on this site, I see the very same behavior in our readers. Many people use TNG to vent about the ignorance and prejudice we encounter from the straight world. Our families won't acknowledge our lovers. We can't be affectionate in public without drawing harrassment. We are divided into arbitrary designations by something as simple as the way we dress.

Yet, so often our commenters, and by extension the community, act like this is just our lot to bear:

• "You got heckled for kissing on the street? You shouldn't have been kissing on the street."
  
• "Why should your family use respectful language when talking about your sexuality? They're just trying to figure out what's appropriate. Don't make them walk on egg shells."
• "Girls wear skirts to work. You should too."

We've all heard examples of this logic, and it's bullshit. If we don't expect and demand equal treatment, we won't get it. It's that simple.

In the last fifty years, we've accepted some pretty crazy concepts as undeniable facts of modern life. Space travel. Cloning. Scarlett Johanssen's singing career. Yet something as basic as sexuality, as what part of me goes in which part of someone else, is still treated like the great unknown. Are we really supposed to believe that my grandmother can understand email, but not me loving a man? Of course not. My grandmother knows I'm gay, and we email all the time. It's not a problem. If we all spend out time cowering in corners, waiting for the next blow to come, how can we be productive as a culture?

Take, for example, gay bashing. How many times have you heard about a homophobia-motivated violent attack and had your first thought be "he/she/they shouldn't have been so open about being gay in that bar/neighborhood/part of the world." I know I have. Instead of blaming the perpretrater of the terrible act, we blame the victim. A whole life spent on the outside will do that — If you're told you don't deserve basic protections, you won't be outraged when they're violated.

But physical violence is a worst-case scenario. Even in your day to day life, you should be conscious of the times you defend someone else's ignorant behavior. These days, someone trying their best really isn't enough. I used to have a friend that took any opportunity to point out the gay subtext in my day-to-day speech. Seemingly innocuous sentences like "I have to blow up a tire" or "I'll get to the bottom of this" we're always met with raised eyebrows and an "I bet you do." I used to justify all this behavior by reasoning that he meant no real harm, and that he was tolerant in every other way so I should just deal with it. These days, that kind of thinking doesn't cut it.