Does Being a Good Person Make You Happy?
Last night, I got into a brief but loaded debate with my boyfriend and his roommate. The nature of the question, as you may have guessed from this post's title, was whether or not doing the right thing, being a good person or treating others as you would like to be treated actually leads to personal happiness. The convenient answer to this question is yes, that good deeds given lead to good deeds received and that you'll reap just what you sow.
My boyfriend believes this. His roommate and I do not. A character in "Six Feet Under" once admonishes another by saying "If you think life is like a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness you're going to be disappointed." I agree. Call me self-righteous or call me boring, but I'm someone who has usually tried to do the right thing and rarely feel that I'm enjoying a better life than the liars, cheaters and philanderers who don't.
So now I'm asking myself the question that every homo has to reconcile before they truly enter an adult life: What's the point of being good?
I'll first admit that I'm no saint. I've been faced with a number of situations where I could've taken the moral, sexual or humanitarian high road and didn't. As much as I can try and justify some actions from my past, I have definitely hurt people who didn't deserve it and have built up my own share of well-deserved rancor. And believe me — I've gotten dicked around too. (So much so that I still reflexively cut my losses at the first sign of disrespect from a potential partner.) This was all before I was 21, and in a relatively hermetic college setting. But I moved to DC and discovered that all gay men, of any age, still acted like the blindly horny 14 year-olds they never got a chance to be.
I, however, tried to take the high road and denied myself a lot of pleasure in doing so. I have turned down a criminal amount of ass because I had myself convinced that good people don't go home with guys they've just met, or meet tricks online or fuck someone when they've just started dating someone else. Luckily I'm now aware that this is mostly bullshit, that the only person who would judge me for having an adult sex life was, in fact, me. Not that I've done most of those things that I formerly eschewed (my awesome boyfriend wouldn't like that) but I'm confident that I would if I were single.
But even within the confines of liberated queer spirituality, there is a right thing to do in most situations and a combination of alcohol and dick-hunger preclude most men from doing it. We (and I) fuck guys with boyfriends, or roommates of our exes or people that are probably juuuust a little too drunk to know what they're getting into.
And I usually pride myself on being a good guy. Assholery aside, I hold doors and do unto others and try to make people feel good about themselves. For this, I frequently am told that I'm one of the nicest guys people know, or even the only truly nice guy in DC. This is depressing. I can't believe that my expressions of basic human decency are greeted with the appreciation of a starving man stumbling across a sandwich.
So to keep up with others' perception of me, I took further and further pains to avoid treating other men in the shabby way that I had so often been treated. And what happened? I was happy in the short run — it was cool to have guilt-free Sunday mornings and not spend all my time worrying if someone (or everyone) hates me — but that feeling soon subsided. I actually took a look around me and felt that I was the only one doing this. And why should I be bored and self-righteous when everyone around me wasn't giving a shit for anyone else's feelings (or their own) and having all the more fun for it?
Looking back, I actually regret most of the times I sacrificed a fun night for the sake of doing the right thing. All I have to show for it are missed chances and a dulled smugness. Other people's feelings are still too important for me to really go out there and live the life of a sinner, but I feel that those who actually do what they want, when they want to, are the ones who don't lie awake at night wondering if there's a point to being good.
12 comments:
for me, it comes down to, do i wanna lose an awesome person in my life or a potential friend, just for some instant gratification? that said, i hear ya loud and clear. part of the rub of being a people person, for me, is trying not to constantly seek validation (in whatever form, ok, sexual) from other people. being good may be boring, but being bad can be real hassle.
I'm warning you: don't look too close at why morality matters. You'll end up either a dick or a Christian.
Being bad is overrated.
People in LTRs always get nostalgic for the bad old days...underrated is waking up without a coke hangover with the wrong person(s) in your bed.
Having been "bad" for many of my teenage years and my early twenties, I've moved on from racking up stories and instant gratification and now am living a much calmer life. Many of the things I've done were really terrible decisions and I lost friends over them, and it's just not worth it. But more than that, I think I've gained more self-respect in realizing that I don't need to go out, get drunk and sleep with some random.
Maybe this is a sign that with my upcoming birthday I will have actually reached old age.
Zack, I love this post, this is amazing!!!
In recent years, I've tried looking at what my core values are, and I do have them.
Sexually speaking, it's really about authenticity for me, and part of that authenticity is the type of sexual relationships I have. If I'm helping someone else break a vow to a partner, that's not cool with me. If I'm breaking a vow with my husband, that's not cool with me (or the husband!).
I agree with you, Zack, that doing the right thing doesn't equal immediate (or even long-term) Care Bear feelings. I think it's like courage - I most admire people who face their fears, not just blindly go into a scary situation with little regard. Similarly, I most admire people who face down the possibility of not getting karmic brownie points and do things that are following some kind of path that leads to less suffering for everyone involved. (If only I remembered this more often - Good luck, Blanche!).
How does one go about becoming sexually liberated? Does liberation bring happiness, or just more options?
I personally have a hard time not conflating sexuality with morality. I'm not sure if it's a mental block I'll ever be able to overcome.
Except, you know, when I'm super drunk.
I believe that any "good act" you do should be because you believe in it. I feel the motive is just as important as the action. If someone does something "good" to get a gold star, then the so-called good deed looses its meaning. I feel my happiness is not a result of doing "good things" but rather a consequence of being myself. While good things happen to mean people, and bad things happen to nice people, I think, in general, positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative.
As some others have hit on, I think the most important element of morality is authenticity to ones own moral standard. I think you may feel regret for being so "good" in your past because you based what was right on what others thought was right. It sounds like as you look back on it, you have realized that your true moral code differs from the moral influences you had around you. I find that when I make a decision, a moral decision or otherwise, based solely on what the people around me think, I usually live to regret it..
Also, another point. I think morality and happiness don't create one other. I feel that NOT adhering to a moral code can make you UN-happy, but living a moral life doesn't and shouldn't create happiness. I think living morally should just make me feel content. I feel that Morality serves as a FOUNDATION upon which I can build happiness, but the happiness should come from other areas of my life, like my family, friends, lovers, and the things I love.
i'm pretty sure that if you donate to charity at least once a year, anything you do is considered moral and good.
Doing right does come back to you. Your life is better, and good people start to surround you and it comes back again and again. It projects and affects.
That said, it's still important to floss and bathe regularly too.
I tend to think being nice and good and decent pays off in ways you can't see, and ways you can.
When I first moved to Chicago, I went to a store with a co-worker. I said please and thanks to the cashier, and my co-worker was all over that when we left, stating how I was soooo not from the city and no one was nice to cashiers.
I haven't changed being nice to cashiers. And in fact, places I go to regularly, my face and name is known, and I get special treatment.
I'm extra nice to all my vendors in my current job. I try and make them think I am on their side on all things. It's paid off, because I have the highest success rate on my projects, and my vendors have worked extra hard to meet deadlines.
Because I'm nice. Even when they make mistakes, I'm nice, because, heck, how many people work better after being yelled at?
The flaw with the "Six Feet Under" quote/philosophy quoted above is this: doing virtuous things should make you happy on their own. In the vending machine analogy, the act of depositing the virtue coins should bring pleasure and happiness on its own, regardless of what flavor of soda comes out of the machine. This is what others were also tapping into in the comments about authenticity. If you begrudgingly do good things hoping that happiness will result, then you're doing it all wrong. You need to take genuine, authentic pleasure from doing the right thing regardless of the outcome.
The secret of a happy life is learning to take pleasure in being a good person rather than expecting good things to happen to you because you're a bad person doing good things.
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