Who You Callin' Partner?
Why can't people just use the term boyfriend when referring to my boyfriend? I've already mentioned my disdain for the term "special friend," as it devalues the homosexual relationship and implies that gays with significant others have something to hide. That's a no brainer. However, there's a term that rankles me even more, and for less of a defined reason.
Two weeks ago, one of my better gym friends (i.e. person you like a lot but never talk to outside of the weight room) was chatting with me and asked me where my "partner" was. Not "boyfriend," not "guy you're dating," but partner. Am I in a business relationship? Am I wearing a wedding ring? I have never been able to figure out when exactly a boyfriend or girlfriend becomes a partner, and for that reason it's a nomenclature that rarely fails to make me bristle.
I have so many negative associations to "partner." A good friend of mine once admitted that partner was the word she used before she felt comfortable referring to two men as boyfriends. It has a euphemistic quality that makes me think it has straight origins, as if an old guard of liberal heteros wanted to acknowledge that us gays could have long, lasting relationships without letting us use of their special names for love.
I think the only appropriate use of the word partner is when referring to a long-time relationship where some official declaration of commitment has been declared. So if you're introducing me to your boyfriend of eight years, who is wearing your ring but unable to actually marry you through our countries backwards legal system, by all means call him your partner. If you're introducing me to a guy you've nailed a couple times and are really into, do not use the same term. It cheapens what the first couple have.
To me, "partner" is a constant reminder of how little legitimacy a gay relationship is granted by our government. If I were straight, I would either have a girlfriend or a wife. There would not be the same level of guesswork involved, trying to figure out exactly which kind of "partner" I was referring to. Does he mean "partner because we will be together for the rest of our lives?" Or "partner because we've been together for a while and 'boyfriend' isn't working anymore?" Or worse still: "Could they be business partners? They don't look gay..." (That last one is more from the straight point of view, but still...)
My boss is legally married, and every day I take pride in hearing him tell stories about his "husband." I think it's progress. When I settle down for good, I would prefer to have my relationship labeled the same as every other legitimate relationship. It might be a flawed, fucked up system, but there are things that you give up for equality.
My last reason for hating the term partner is a more personal one. When I'm walking around with my boyfriend, and someone asks us how long we've been partners, it forces an issue that no couple should have to deal with unless they're completely prepared. Its a lowkey equivalent to someone asking their son's new girlfriend "So, how long until you two get married." It can be awkward.
But mostly it's this: You have a partner in tennis. You have a partner in bridge. You have a partner in business. So really -- are any of these activities remotely comparable to a committed, loving, long term relationship?
13 comments:
The more energy you put into carring about what labels or terms other people use, the more you let your life be shapped by that, then you shape your own life.
By legal standards, I'm not married to my husband. And people have said as much, and it doesn't change how I or we see things. My marriage to him isn't defined by someone else's notions.
And while you may see partner as an unappealing term, the person using it might not. It's all a matter of perspective.
In the end, all that matters is what you and your boyfriend think of each other, and how you relate to each other. After all, you have to wake up next to him.
I don't mind "partner" (in fact, I use it a lot, come to think of it) but the use of "Special Friend" or even "Friend" just drives me to distraction. It's really sort of insulting, as it negates the emotions and connections that define the relationship.
i know at least as many straight couples who refer to their significant others as partner. and i think it can be a really accurate term; it connotes some sort of contract between them (like marriage). i wouldn't outright object to people using it loosely, but i might laugh at someone who does. a sex partner is still a partner after all.
while i understand your points, there is also the matter of the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" being inadequate for the _adults_ most of your TNG readers date. even when i used to date men, i hated the term "boy"friend. while i don't like to bring the term "partner" to the table too early on either, i also hate that there is no word i can use to acknowledge that the woman i love is a woman, not a girl.
Oh THANK YOU for posting this. The term partner drives me crazy too - and exactly for the reasons you mention.
I like to refer to my girlfriend as "my girlfriend." It's the perfect term for us. We are in a committed relationship, but not serious enough where either of us is comfortable with the term partner. Also, the term partner has always struck me as unromantic and desexualized.
Unfortunately, the term girlfriend also has its problems for me. 'Cause straight women refer to their good friends as their "girlfriends". Often when I use the term around someone who doesn't know me, they assume Im talking about just a friend. And then they say something that indicates they think I am straight and Im put in that position where I have to either correct them and make them feel foolish, or let it go and make myself feel like a coward. Sigh.
Wait, Z, is this gym buddy of yours gay or straight??
Another point to consider, is that if we always make a big deal over what to call the other person in our relationship, the harder we make it for people, gay or straight, to feel comfortable talking about it.
Do I use partner? Do these two consider themselves in a committed relationship? Am I going to offend them if I presume their relationship is more then he/she thinks it is.
The more we get upset over labels, we tend to make it harder for people to know how to approach the subject, for fear of offending when not meaning to.
I have problems using both. When I say girlfriend, it doesnt sound like we're as serious as we are. But saying partner is something I dont think I'm old enough for yet.
See we're in the totally committed living together stage but not at the full blown partner stage. What the latter totally is, I'm not really sure.
I guess what I mean to say is that when I say partner I feel like a ten year old in my dad's work suit and tie. It's ill fitting and awkward.
Also, I like to joke around and refer to her as my 'lady friend'.
yeah i think i'm just going to start calling my boyfriend "the baron" as in "me and the baron are going to spend a quiet evening in" or "yeah, the baron totally quotes legally blonde like all the time too"
I have been waiting for years to have someone I could call a gentleman friend. ^_^
i have a love/hate relationship with the word, except not so strong of emotions on either side, so more like a kinda-like/kinda-dislike relationship.
i kinda like when straights use the word, because it shows an attempt not to be heteronormative.
however, i also kinda dislike the vagueness of the word, though. like c'mon, how serious are you partners? just tell me - are you just sorta serious or are you getting ready to register your civil union at the new target?
anyway, the next girl i get better be comfortable with me calling her my piece of snatch, no matter how serious we are.
i like "my lover cindy," boo, ladyfriend, old lady, gf, or dom pardo.
i had a straight prof who called his wife his partner and to me he just sounded like a poseur, cuz he was a straight up Lacanian.
i remember when i lived in ireland for awhile being caught off guard to discover all committed couples, gay or straight, called their significant other "partner."
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