Testing my Mettle
If you're like me, you've often imagined what you would do if a straight person yelled a homophobic remark at you in public. Would you punch them in the face? Call them a moron and make them cry? Take a cue from the awful Jennifer Tilly movie "Relax...It's Just Sex" and rape them in an alley?
Living in D.C., I rarely feel unsafe being openly gay in public spaces. My boyfriend and I hold hands everywhere and it's not a problem. We get a lot of people staring at our hands but assume it's because we don't fit their perception of what a gay couple looks like. Their shocked expressions amuse me. But two nights ago, we were walking by DC9 and man, out with three friends, said loudly "Aww look, boys holding hands."
So what did I do? Did I go at him with the verbal fury of a thousand methed-up twinks? Of course not. I didn't do a damn thing.
Imagining the revenge I would take on some bone-headed hetero is a great way to make an office meeting go faster, but I'm not surprised at myself for failing to say something back to that guy. I didn't want to get beaten up. I didn't want to dignify his comment with a response. But mostly, I just couldn't be bothered.
Being gay is a never-ending lesson in picking your battles. When my sister erroneously blames my bad grades in middle school on being "gay and depressed," she's going to hear about it. When a straight acquaintance refers to my social circle as "your gay friends," I stay silent. It's not the most considerate thing to say, but I know what she means and its not worth getting up in arms for every insensitivity.
There are morons everywhere — I was almost relieved that the one outside DC9 spoke up. It reminded me that lots of people still find it novel to see gays out off of 17th Street, but are trained to keep quiet about it. Though I may not be able to get married I can at least count on walking around in peace.
The other option is that he was just a "straight-looking" gay guy coming home from Nellie's. There didn't seem to be much judgement in his comment and none of his friends laughed at us or anything. So maybe by assuming that he was straight I'm actually the narrow-minded one.
Jeez. Being gay these days takes way too much work. The only thing worse would be being gay in any other country or decade.
20 comments:
I hear you on picking your battles. My ex and I (who are both pretty visibly queer) weren't even touching each other when we were harrassed by a large lumberjacky-looking man on the Metro platform at Friendship Heights last year. He just walked up to us, sneered, said he wanted to "build a big cage over Dupont Circle and stuff all of y'all into it," and then walked away. We yelled a few choice words at him but avoided any serious conflict because the train had just arrived. I still kind of wish I'd pushed him in front of it...
In much of the world (but not here), it's perfectly normal for men to hold hands, and it suggests nothing about their sexual orientation. It just means they are good friends with each other.
It's funny that Americans read so much into such things, and sad that people (including self-identified "gay" people) read so much into a mere gesture of affection.
i don't think you should be holding hands with the bf in that part of town. it sucks, but i just don't think it's a good idea.
two thoughts, one the picture you have is probably not "gay" guys and two, being "gay" in another country may not be comparable to being gay here.
I'm wondering if you mentioned DC9 because you wanted the reader to imagine that the guy who made that comment to you was black (see Parker's comment below).
I'm also wondering if by saying it would be worse to be gay in any other country, you want the reader to assume you're talking about a developing/"backward" country.
It's funny to me that at least 5 of the 6 "The New Gay" bloggers are white (I can't tell from Robert's photo). What exactly is "new" about your perspective?
I personally would love to read posts about the queer community as a gentrifying force, what effect this has on people of color in DC, and what we should be doing about it.
anon, i respectfully suggest that you are being ridiculous. i don't think being white means that any of the people who write on or participate in this blog or TNG events have anything less "new" to say. that is offensive.
and as for the comments on gentrification and allusions to who may or may not be black in teh vicinity of DC9: come one! yes, there are more probably more black people in the area around DC9 than there are in georgetown or bethesda, but why would you assume that the person who said something to zack was black? i suggested that he not hold his bf's hand around there because it is less safe than other parts of the city and because i have had bad experiences there.
and finally, are you suggesting that poor people or black people or whoever have some excuse to be homophobic or just to yell things at zack just because some gays moved into a condo in their neighborhood? i really hope not. if you are, i think this blog might not be for you. that is some "new" thinking that i don't think has any place anywhere, frankly.
this blog is for anyone who is thinking. This is a good dialogue you are having. This blog is for both of you. Just try not to use the word "Y'all." I hear it pisses Parker off.
Anon, right on about your desire to see writing about gentrifying forces and the effect on minority populations. I eagerly await your submissions on the topic. If you know any people of color who want to contribute to this blog, please contact TNG. I've consistently tried to get minorities involved, but I keep running into a brick wall (cliche', ugh).
next time this happens do as the gay pimp does and respond:
"thats okay cause I FUCKED YO DADDY"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDYYrI1eJF8
One more thing...Zack, you're like most gays on this matter. You've got battered wife syndrome. You're always expecting the next punch. Many of us have to deal with this. It gets better and you learn to brush it off and not let someone's insecure masculinity bother you, but practice your kung-fu grip just in case.
parker, though it's hard to take, i think anon has a point about how the "new" gay is defined. you can bury it in some rhetorical slam down, but the fact is that racism is alive and well within the gay community, especially in dc. racial subtexts exist in nearly everything we do and say, whether intentional or not. i don't think zack intended to draw any racist connection, but try to have some empathy. imagine what it's like to be a black gay man - or any gay person of color - in this city... gay white men are driving poor African Americans out of their homes, out of the city. but they're too busy maintaining their white privilege to notice... or care...
WHAAAAAAAaaaa did I enter some rando slap down universe or what. I didn't get any racial subtext in the original post. And you did the right thing by ignoring the idiot. Although cardio boxing might be in order, might as well look good kicking some ass. Oh the meet and greet party is fucking genius.
John in Seattle
Hey, have to interject here about Parker's last comment and Anonymous's comment. Like it or not, some gay (presumably white) people have made comments such as the one below on places like DCist.
"I fully agree with IMGoph - knock down the projects, kick the ghetto thugs out of DC, and life will be much, much, much better."
(in response to this DCist post: http://dcist.com/2008/03/12/church_serving.php )
Do all of us think that way? Hell no. But there are people in our community who say these things, and very few people call them out on it. I've listened to conversations where white gay men seemed almost gleeful to be kicking the "ghetto thugs" out of Shaw and "taking the neighborhood over."
I don't, however, see racist overtones in Zack's post.
I have to disagree with Zach's comment - "The only thing worse would be being gay in any other country or decade." Overall, GLBT folks in western Europe, Canada, and South Africa appear to enjoy a larger share of civil rights than their American counterparts. And some local gov'ts in so-called "developing" countries have expanded protections and civil rights for GLBT folks that almost rival those in the US - Buenos Aires, Rio, Mexico City all have a form of civil union officially recognized by the local gov't and Uruguay is considering a nat'l legislation to legalize civil unions.
i have to say to parker that people minding their own business is the very problem with gentrification.
people dont take into consideration what happens to communities once new groups move in. lets face it - gay people glam up the armpits no one else wants to live in and then make it cool and hip for the rich and powerful to later move in and kick out the minorities. its happening all over dc but we are all too busy minding our own business to care.
at some point we need to take some responsibility and admit we ARE to blame. cheap rent comes at a price!
i hear everyone on the gentrification thing but i refuse to say that my living in shaw is a problem. i'm not burning crosses on my balcony or throwing bricks through windows at black churches. and contrary to what people on DCist might say, i don't want to "take over" my neighborhood. i wouldn't even want to live here if it became too much less black and turned into the new dupont. so, in my view, if there is a problem it is a problem with the laws on things like rent control, affordable housing, etc. jack evans is up for re-election. what is he doing to make it easier for lower income people to stay in the neighborhoods they want to live in?
i get really uncomfortable when people speak on behalf of others. in this case, people are speaking on behalf of low-income people of color, voicing what they percieve to be their thoughts and feelings on gentrification. this is obviously a hot topic in dc. i give props to the people who are passionate about making sure that everybody has access to housing; however, i am impatient when the very same people literally gentrify the voice of the people who are supposedly victims by engaging in debates online and speaking on their behalf. get out in the streets, voice concerns to your ANC and vote appropriately, but don't come online and get all hot and bothered about how the gays are stealing homes because it's literally useless other than serving as mental masturbation.
Per the original post: yeah, those types of encounters are just...whatever; there's not much to be said for them. I've ignored people and fought back, depending on my mood. But at the end of the day, you probably aren't going to change the mind of a moron who's stupid enough to heckle you, no matter your powers of persuasion and finesse. They're children who think two boys/girls holding hands is icky. It gives them the squirmies.
Per everything else: There are few things more tiresome than a whine contest between disadvantaged people. Life is a shitshow. For everyone. Some more than others, granted, but nobody likes a complainer. We all have to deal.
To anonymous who wrote, "There are few things more tiresome than a whine contest between disadvantaged people." Well, this, according to the TNG folks, is indeed a forum to debate or for different voices to express differing view. Let everyone have a voice.
Yes, teacher.
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