Ode to DC

This poem was submitted by Justin M., who is 21 and live in Silver Spring. He was originally from NYC and came down to the DC area for college. Now he works full time doing software/web development. In his free time, he enjoys playing sports, video games and walking around the city. He recently started "writing" and is starting a blog of his own, soon.

DC, oh DC, where do I begin?
Every time I try, I never seem to win.
You allure me with chance and possibilities
Even though you are one of the worst cities
Because most of your people, no matter what class
Always seem to have a stick up their ...

I feel like I belong
but know that I'm wrong.
Because every time I try
I tell myself this lie
"Justin you're cool, and not a fool for going,
just go, have fun and enjoy yourself, knowing
that every person alive, has their true place,
and also remember thats it not a race.
Failures in the past, will not last forever,
tonight you'll be on a new endeavor.
New people await, for you to get to know,
so get dressed, get ready, get set and GO!!"

With new motivation, I go and head out,
and leave my straight friends without any doubt.
sometimes i think that I'm treating them badly
because I don't, let them see the real me.
they never really know what goes on within,
and if they did, they would call me sin-
ner. not understanding how I feel,
and also not knowing how to deal,
with the old friend they thought they knew,
but now its different, cuz he's gay too.

Anyways, I leave my house and out I go,
first on the bus, then the metro.
Anticipation fills me, and my hope is high
Its too late to turn back, so I must give it a try.
I text,call, or IM "friends" to see if they're near.
Responses, if any, are "no" or "maybe" or "where",
their relplies don't affect me, cuz now i am there.

I go to a bathroom, and make sure all is well,
The next stop... only my feet can tell.
So I walk to the bar, club or a bookstore,
find my ID, and walk through the door.

I think of whats "me" that i can find in the place,
Books I like, pool table or just a section with space.
Sign up for karaoke or go and get a drink,
maybe somewhere else, I start to think.
vodka orange-pineapple, or amaretto sour,
my goal is one drink and/or one name per hour.

So I call next in pool, then drink & walk around
I look for someone to talk to and i think i found
someone, who doesn't seem too intimidating
so i just walk up, instead of waiting.
i make eye contact, and say "hi"
I anticipate a reply, but all I get is the eyes,
a look that says, "why's this guy coming to me,
I'll just turn and ignore him, and hopefully..
he'll get the message and go his way,
leaving me to enjoy my day"

"Ouch", the rejection how much it makes me hurt,
"Oh, if only I really knew how to flirt."
I see others do it, (not with me)
but they meet others, and seem so free.
I go outside to get some air,
gather my thoughts, make my mind clear.

I look for messages on my phone,
see who's online, and think about home.
I decide to try maybe another place,
and who knows I might see a face
that may want to talk back to me,
and so I head down the street,
wondering who'll be the next person I try to meet.

I walk inside, and look at the crowd
older than before, but the music isn't loud.
I go to a corner, and regret being there
all of sudden someone comes near,
Definitely not my type, but i dont care
i'm not looking for anyone, just to chill
its still early so i have time to kill.
I know what its like, to be overlooked,
so i chat for a while, and talk about a book
or anything else. that comes to mind.
While I keep my eyes open and watch the time.
Eventually, I say goodbye. and then head out.
So I walk back to whereever, this time with less doubt,
of myself and why and what I'm doing,
Instead maybe another drink will be renewing
my confidence, or helping me let loose
and not care about chasing that wild goose.

It's always been, so elusive,
and my search has not been conducive
to chillin, hangin out, and truly seeing
what I want. and who I'm being.
But i say "the night, is still young,"
and the battle's not over, it CAN be won!

I show my stamp and go back into the place,
with my head held high, and a smile on my face.
I check the floor, then walk up the stairs
then get a drink to calm my fears.
I think then text, IM or call a friend,
And then ask "If I should end-
my night and cut my losses"
and they reply that "they're not my bosses
make YOUR choice then go and do,
cuz its not up to me, its up to you."

So again I look around for someone to talk to,
Upstairs? downstairs? Why can't I find you?
Sometimes I just force it, and say somethin to anyone
other times I give up and leave, cuz the night is done.

Now its time to go back home,
often I'm makin this trip alone,
I sit and reflect as i wait or ride,
Returning home, like the oceans tide.
"Why did I, go out in the first place?"
"What proof did I use, to make my case,
that going to DC would be best choice,
just because it has a selection of boys?"

DC, tonight, again you have won
But from the start, the fight was done.
I wanted you to have a place for me,
but now I realize, it can not be.
For your world and your ways are not mine,
And you remind me of this, every single time.
I want to give up and tell myself I'll learn,
but after a lil while, where do I return.

In writing this poem, I see what is true,
the problem's in me, and not in you.
You are what you are, even if I don't agree
but the only thing that I can change, is just me.
I should be who I am, no matter where I may be
And when we meet again, I'll fit you into me.