The New Lesbian
I went to a work party last night for my gay-oriented job. These are usually fun, since I consume a lot of liquor and meet new homos, but this one was entirely different.
In the hour and a half that I was there, three comments were made about my sexual orientation — as in “she looks straight so she’s obviously straight.” One person commented that I don’t play for “that team.” The second person asked me what I was doing there. (Well, for starters I don’t think that’s a polite way to strike up a conversation with anyone. Maybe ask me what I do for work and see if that illuminates anything.) The third person asked me if I was a friend of my gay co-worker. (Do people not realize that heteros can work for a gay organization too?)
I realize that these sort of comments aren’t particularly hurtful and I’m aware that I don’t look like the stereotypical lesbian. But at a gay party? It didn’t cross anyone’s mind that maybe I’m not heterosexual?
At the first TNG party in February, someone told me that they were surprised by how “thin and pretty” I was. Now I’m sure some of this has to do with the fact that bloggers are associated with sitting in their parents basements and typing away, but I’m sure it also had something to do with the fact that people don’t think lesbians can be attractive. Well, we can. And many, many of us are.
I spent a long time thinking about how I would define the “new lesbian” and I guess this is it. I’d rather go out to museum parties and martini bars than sit at home with my cat, I listen to more music than just Ani (though she is absolutely on my iPod), I won’t attempt to move in with you after the second date (maybe because my high school nickname was the Ice Queen), and I wear skirts, get pedicures, like high heels, have long hair and like pussy. Get over it.
6 comments:
Amen, Amy. Why is it that when a hot guy walks into a mixed crowd, it's assumed he's gay. But when a hot femme woman walks into a crowd, it's assumed she's straight. Is there a lesbian equivalent to fancy jeans that you can wear to identify yourself as a homo when needed?
Dear Ms. New Lesbian,
Fantastic response to severely misguided intended compliment to the party peoples.
K
maybe just maybeone lesbo equivalent to fancy jeans is busting out into the crowd with another hot woman in tow. shock them all silly.
totally agree with michael on that ASSumption on perception. i don't work at a gay-oriented job, and most people think i'm straight until i tell them. although i do work in a very open and diverse environment, my colleagues still have their moments of hetero- and homo- generalizations.
because i work in a corp/business-like environment, i keep my "outness" in check, which is a common approach among others i know. at some point, if i value the relationship enough-- or if he/she (usually a she) just won't shut-up about asking me about my personal life (which, by the way, isn't a professional thing to do gay or straight), then i will enlighten. it is almost always certain that at that moment, i have altered a perception in some way, usually for the better.. i hope...
yeah, i hate it when people think i'm straight!
seriously though, two things. i think that this issue has less to do with what the "stereotypical lesbian" looks like, and more to do with the oh-so-problemmatic male gaze. in other words, on the opposite end of the spectrum from gay men assuming hegemonically feminine women are straight are the people who are confused when i show up in the locker room, at straight bars or the ladies room. why? because the male gaze defines what women are supposed to look like, and i do not fit that. it seems you don't fit into the gay male gaze. it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
secondly, i've thought about this post for a long time, and i think what has been haunting me about it is the privilege that is associated with passing as straight in a world that happens to be firmly entrenched in heteronormativity. what i appreciate about this blog is that it challenges the assumptions about the gay community based on our music tastes or where we go out; however, i think that future posts that call into question the "stereotypical" members of our community ought to make an attempt to strike a delicate balance between challenging those stereotypes while not belittling members of our community who happen to live on cat farms in virginia or love nights at cobalt. when the chips are down, westboro baptist is sending us all to hell no matter what our music preference is!
femme-phobia sounds like a sad, sad life. bi-phobia too!
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