I Saw The Pope

I met my friend Sam for lunch today in Washington Circle. I never go to this area, so it was a fluke that I ended up along the Pope’s travel route. I found Sam easily, as the crowd wasn’t more than 2 or 3 people deep, at most.

“Do you want to see the pope?,” he asked me.
“Nah, I’m hungry. Let’s get something to eat.” We began to walk away when I said, “I’ve never seen a pope.”
“Yeah, they only come around every couple decades.”
“Want to see the pope? He should be rolling past any minute now.”

We backtracked 20 steps to the shade of a big tree overlooking the circle, and less than 3 minutes later, the pope mobile rolled past, quickly, but slow enough to get a good look at him as he waved to us. His pope mobile was taller than I expected, but I guess it makes sense, being that he’s accustomed to visiting cities that virtually shut down when he arrives, as crowds in excess of 100k people flock to meet him. I saw a nun and a young priest both run full speed along the parade route in an attempt to keep up with the pope mobile, but overall the crowd was sleepy—less attended than a President’s Day parade. Hell, a President’s Day sale. For a moment I considered giving him the hard finger, which is my greeting of choice for all-powerful assholes, but my apathy was too strong.

I made mental note of the young golden triangle professionals who ran toward the parade route furiously with broad smiles of anticipation. By this point the Pope had passed, and I knew they would be dissapointed when they arrived to find that they missed what may be one of the great moments of their delusional lives. The great relativity of the human experience has rarely been so well expressed to me. I just saw the man in a situation where I could see the finery of his prada wardrobe, and would just as easily have traded the experience for the opportunity to get 4 minutes closer to my burger. Meanwhile, these faithful followers, running at top speed and slowed only by the twin fangs of guilt and shame sunk into them at birth, missed out on their moment to be in the presence of God on Earth. One day, long after the church does its vampire act on their children, the story they will tell them is of how they ran hard, but ultimately fell short of the glory.

Doesn't seem fair, does it? Then again, neither is Catholicism, so I guess it’s good practice.

Some of Pope Ratzinger’s Greatest Hits:

On homosexuality
"Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder. Therefore special concern and pastoral attention should be directed toward those who have this condition, lest they be led to believe that the living-out of this orientation in homosexual activity is a morally acceptable option. It is not."

On Buddhism
"Auto-erotic spirituality." (masturbation)

The ordination of women
On the excommunication of seven women who called themselves priests: "... the penalty imposed is not only just, but also necessary, in order to protect true doctrine, to safeguard the communion and unity of the church, and to guide consciences of the faithful."

On same-sex marriage
"Call[s] into question the family, in its natural two-parent structure of mother and father, and make[s] homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent, in a new model of polymorphous sexuality."

On rock music
"[A] vehicle of anti-religion"; "the complete antithesis of the Christian faith in the redemption."

On cloning (for potential life-saving purposes)
"[A] more dangerous threat than weapons of mass destruction."