Happy Birthday To Me

For my 24th birthday, a friend sent me a card with the Oscar Wilde quote: "The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything." I remember thinking how profound that sounded at the time. Now I think it is total bullshit.

A year ago, I experienced what is referred to in some circles as "gay death," or as it is commonly known, turning 30. Sure, this event is not unique to us gays, but given that most of us don't have weddings or baby showers in our 20's, turning 30 is as close to a young adulthood rite of passage as we get. There is a fearful-fascination with this birthday that starts to creep in around 28. I remember a friend telling me on my 28th birthday that turning 28 was essentially turning 29, since everyone in their 30s claims to be 29 in their on-line profiles."If you say you are 29, people will think you are actually in your 30's and that you are lying about your age." WTF?!?

Turning 30 was somehow the end of a golden stage of gay life, and that from that point forward we would be washed-up, unattractive, and irrelevant. And so with each birthday, we lose a piece of the ideals and dreams that made us "know everything" and our much vaunted boyish looks that made us sexually appealing. The implication: relish every minute of your 20s while you still look good and know everything.

When I was in graduate school, I read Aged by Culture, an interesting cultural analysis of aging in American society by Magaret Morganoth Gullette. The book begins with Gullette's description of her encounter with a museum exhibit called "Face Aging." The exhibit consists of a "time-machine booth," where a computer takes the image of your face and ages it: "In seconds the computer added grotesque pouches, reddish skin, and blotches to their familiar features; the faces became elongated and then wider and then saggy; lines became more heavily rutted. Boys lost hair. Hair turned gray. The heads of both boys and girls grew and then shrank."

What Gullette noticed was how completely shaken children were from this experience. They were disturbed and sometimes scared by the image of their own aging process. Gullette's observation at the museum reveals a lot about how youth view "getting old." It is a scary and ugly process. This deep-seated negative view of aging, buttressed by a economy that has profited heavily from anti-aging services (i.e. skin products, plastic surgery, Propecia, fitness clubs, etc.), has created and maintained a culture that places a premium on being young, or at least looking young.

This weekend I am celebrating my 31st birthday, one year into my 30s. Like most of my peers, I had some qualms and anxieties about turning 30. Before we turn 30, we are fixated on the time machine that awaits us. After turning 30, you start to realize that yes, some facets of youth are fading, and that is a good thing. When I was in my 20s, I was living off of student loans, living in a crappy studio apartment, drinking heavily (and often), making bad decisions, dating stupid boys, keeping friends for shallow reasons, and at times, lying about my sexual orientation. Is that so glamorous and worth hanging onto? At 30, I am now more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, I have deeper relationships with my friends and my family, and I feel more settled in my career and in this city. Wilde wasn't quite right. The young don't know this. All they can see is the time machine, and because of that, their world can at times feel smaller. Undoubtedly, many of you under 30 will dismiss this as rubbish. However, you should know that after turning 30, it gets better. It really does. With all the experiences under your belt (pun un/intended), you can move forward with confidence and better judgement.

With that, I say, bring on 31. Now who is going to make me cake and give me a spanking?