"Boyfriend" and "Girlfriend" are Not Pejorative Terms
Is there anything worse than the label "special friend" when used to refer to a same-sex partner? On Thanksgiving day I went over to my parents' friends' house for a cocktail party that we usually refer to as "The Aquarium" for its spread of glistening, near-breathing shrimp and smoked salmon. I was scarcely in the door when the host, a woman I generally like, asked me how my life was in D.C. and said "Your mom tells me you have a friend." I replied that I had many friends, to which she countered, "you know...a special friend."
I barked "You can call him my boyfriend" so forcefully that a fine mist of ABC seafood settled across her glasses.
I am usually more tolerant of these things, but Thanksgiving is stressful enough as it is and this happened to be the woman's third strike. Her first infraction was pointing at my sisters and announcing "they raised him!" to a crowded room. This is an assertion I would rather be made about the inhabitants of the wolf enclosure at the Lincoln Park Zoo.
Strike two was engaging me in a ten-minute dialogue about off-Broadway plays on the assumption that I was into theater. I haven't been involved with the theater since intoning "It was a mule!" in a 9th grade production of "Fiddler On the Roof," so this line of questioning was only met with blank stares.
Strike three was her use of "special friend." I hate that term. It implies I have met a nice young man with whom I can regularly catch a ball game and fellate, not that I am in any kind of adult relationship. If I am comfortable enough to be asked about my sexuality, why not go the extra mile and use gender-specific terminology? Was she giving me a chance to back out of being out to her? Did she think I would respond with "Yes, I do have a special friend...named Janet...I regularly penetrate her vagina?"
I know that my sister would get asked about her boyfriend, no beating around the bush. My Dad would be asked about his wife, not his "special spouse." I'm out in most realms of my personal life in the hopes that I can make people that being gay is normal and that it is not a delicate, or even shameful, subject. I expect to be met halfway.
I don't know if I should have been a little more polite in my response, but I'm getting really sick of having to make a big deal of my sexuality all the time. Anyone out there have ideas on a better way to handle this?
8 comments:
my way of handling situations like this would be to not enter myself into them anymore. you're an adult and don't need to hang out with other adults that make you uncomfortable or angry. it is hard to turn down free food and cocktails or to risk making your parents confused or upset, but i would just not go. i've done it before.
Some people just don't know any better. They may want to be cool (It seems like she was trying) but don't know how. We need to educate the straight people around us, or just give up on them. sometimes that's best and easiest. With family, it's tougher.
I have a lady in my office who has a gay brother and is pretty cool, but she uses the "friend" thing when asking about my boyfriend. It bugs me as well. They grew up in a culture that shamed our sexuality, so it's harder for them to break out of some bad habits. Try to see it from the perspective that they are trying to meet us half way. We need to walk them through the rest of the way. I firmly believe that we train people how to treat us.
i went to thanksgiving with my boyfriends family in the philadelphia suburbs for the first time, and at the dinner table the hostess blamed the eagles' losing streak on their "faggy new uniforms," then immediately looked to my boyfriend with embarrassment on her face. it was pretty hilarious. other than a less than civil choice of language they were very welcoming to me (read: fed me a bunch and got me drunk) so i'm not gonna hold it against her. most folks just aren't used to having gay people around. i don't think it means she hates us or wants us to stop being gay.
adam - that bitch doesn't know what she's talking about. the eagles had their best game this season when they were wearing the faggy new uniforms. they beat detroit, a team with a winning record, 56-17. i'm all for faggy uniforms.
oh...well...umm...i must've been watching project runway? i may have misquoted her, but she did say "faggy uniforms" i'm sure of that.
Maybe that's WHY they did so well. Has Kevin Curtis played so well since? If philly had a gay player, I'd pick him. That being said, those uniforms are awful. RuPaul wouldn't even line up at scrimmage in one of those.
I will pay money to see that video. Jeremy Bloom is the hottest of God's creations. Where is he now? Obviously not on my dick. Parker, we should bump heads and come up with the 10 hottest NFL players, or something.
Miss Manners - who should be an icon for all of alt-queer D.C. - would offer this advice:
When somebody mentions your "special friend," affect a somewhat stagey but not altogether unbelievable look of incomprehension ... sort of like Lt. Data from "Star Trek: The New Gay" accessing his backup memory core.
Then allow a joyous grin to spread across your face as the term "special friend" finally computes.
Warmly announce, "Oh, you must mean my BOYFRIEND, Michael!"
No bitchiness allowed. The point is to correct the person without seeming to correct them. This is a case of incompatible vocabulary and should be treated as such. It's a translation glitch, not an attack.
Allow the conversation to resume as normal. All but the most oblivious conversationalist will have gotten the hint.
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