Nocturnal Admissions

Writing about Porky's made me recall some of my other, less amusing adolescent experiences. Things like voice cracks, math class boners and extreme acne that I am incredibly pleased are in the past. Except for one little trauma that I just can't outgrow.

Hi Everyone. My name is Zack and I still have wet dreams.

Hi, Zack.

It's getting embarrassing. It was one thing to make a point of jerking off before a sleepover when I was 14, but its quite another to wake up on my sisters couch at the age of 22 to find that the only thing between my genetic material and her upholstery was a pair of sweat pants.

And I would like to say that these dreams are incredibly hot, but this is not the case. Either my body is lazy or its trying to be nonchalant about things, but usually just lets me unload in the middle of otherwise unrelated dreams:

Something's chasing me and I don't know what. I'm running and running...and now my shorts are wet.

It's a big exam in high school, but i forgot to study. I know I have my notes somewhere but I can't find them. I'm looking through my backpack and my locker. They just have to be somewhere! Whoops, now its moot because I've ejaculated so forcefully that I've woken myself up.

Once, when my boyfriend was out of town, I went to target to buy a body pillow. The only one they was dark blue and unwashable. I actually had to think to myself "Now, what would happen if I'm sleeping against this and I unload? Would I throw it out? Would I use a stain stick?

Hopefully my 25th birthday will bring benefits beyond just being able to rent a car.