TheNewGay 10 Rules of Dating

For your edification I present you with TheNewGay dating rules of wisdom:


1)First Date Common Sense—I disagree on many of the established early-dating basics, but here are the ones I subscribe to:
•It’s supposed to be fun. Why be with them otherwise? Making it fun is your responsibility.
•Be yourself. Unless you’re a dick. If you’re a dick, you probably don’t know it, but if you’re like most dicks, you’re a good liar, so use that to your advantage.
•Eye contact is crucial, wilting violet.
•Don’t size up every other guy that walks in to the room.
•Courtesy and respect still count.
•Nobody wants to hear about your problems, your hang-ups, or your ex-boyfriends, and don’t talk about your past sexual partners.
•Expressions of status work on most people even if they don’t admit to it, but for someone of any real substance and emotional depth, it’s annoying. It is natural for you to use your money, possessions, and position to entice the genetically superior female with the strongest child-bearing hips into having sex with you (gay men, this still applies to you in an instinctual context), but you’re more likely to score a gold digger or a status whore than someone worth keeping around (personal opinion: steer clear of anyone that mates for anything other than love. They aren’t worth it).
•Don’t get fucked up on drink and drugs. Save that for the second date (If you’re a lesbian, the honeymoon).
•There’s nothing wrong with sex on the first date. It’s not always the best move, but it’s a situation to situation kind of thing. While it may rush things, it’s often better to figure out if you’re sexually compatible so that you’re not wasting each other’s time. To quote Andre 3000, “that just tell me she know what she want”. While there is correlation between having fewer sexual partners/allowing relational development prior to sex and the efficacy of long-term relationships, I believe that if people know themselves and know what they want, it’s cool to get down.

2)90 Days, Same as Cash—this one I learned from my friend Andi. Give yourself a 90-day window before you make a hard investment in a guy. It takes that long to get a good sense of the person and figure out what you really feel. After 90 days, you try to work through whatever problems you have. Anything before that, cut the cord and cut it quick, with a clear conscience.

3)Understand your animal nature—Realize you’re just an animal with an impressive cerebral cortex. We have instincts that have taken centuries to develop, and they aren’t going anywhere, so better you understand them than get tripped up by a normative social system that tries to convince you that you have transcended them. We are predators on the savannah, and it’s in our make up to hunt, chase, and consume prey, whether for biological sustainability or for sexual satisfaction and dissemination of our genes. When we consume the target or fulfill the hunt, we move on. It’s brutal, but it’s nature. Some animal species bond for life, and humans, due to higher brain function have developed the concept of “love” and a reinforcing system of external institutions and rules by which we maintain unions, but we still play out our biological imperatives. The only difference is that there’s usually bad dance music and top-shelf liquor present on the plains. I’m not saying love and commitment are foolish or outdated ideas, I’m saying that regardless of how nice he is, how great you are, and how hopeful are both your intentions, if you lose sight of your animal limitations and how the animal brain functions, you’re going to be perpetually disappointed, probably because you don't understand how the game is played. You must learn the way of the jungle or you will never have success beyond the hunter/prey paradigm. One must accept the framework of their existence before they can transcend it.

4)Don’t lose yourself—it’s easy to do when you’re infatuated. It’s also the best way to lose a guy. Things start out ok but then you see yourself acting like a person you don’t recognize? Well, he doesn’t recognize you either.

Ever have that experience of overpowering magnetism toward another individual? The magnetism is an ego projection. Your ego fixates on the object of your desire, creating the experience. Fixations happen because your ego interprets the target as a collection of symbols. These symbols represent the things you feel that you lack in yourself or your life. Sometimes these symbols can be quite loaded and profound, leading you to chase your desire, your unfulfilled need, with such abandon that you lose all sense of yourself. I’ve recommended to people (after things have fallen apart) to ask themselves to “name 3 things that X symbolizes,” which often leads to a breakthrough in the way they think about their relationships. I suggest you do this prior to the second date, because if you feel the fixation, you will know the symbols, even if you think you don’t.

5)Check Yourself—this is the natural follow-up to “don’t lose yourself”, because the former is about awareness and the latter is about action. When your life situation or deep-seated insecurities lead you to need person X instead of simply want person X, you need to “check yo’ self.” If you have long-held insecurities, work them out first. After a certain age, you owe it to yourself to figure them out instead of thrusting them on your fixation.

If you’re in a state of complete life crisis/change/overhaul, for fuck sake don’t date anyone. Trust me on this one. This isn’t a good time for you. You’re not yourself, situational insecurities will arise where they didn’t exist before, you’re probably depressed, and no one is going to find you very compelling when you’re at your worst and trying to pick up the pieces of your life. If you think he’s that special, just smile and nod when they walk by and hit em up when you’re on top again, because if you fuck it up, you won’t get a second chance.

6)Listen—on your first date, within the first hour a man will tell you everything that will go wrong with the relationship. If you're perceptive, it usually takes no more than 30 minutes. All you need to do is listen, really listen. Granted, I’m more a student of human nature than most, but you don’t need to ask many questions or get too psychoanalytic. People feel a need to reveal themselves, particularly regarding the things that don’t work in their lives. Listen to them. Believe them.

7)Good on the dance floor—good in bed-And vice versa. It’s a cliché, (and I hate it more than panda bears when people use clichés), but it’s a rarity that it’s ever untrue. If they mistake the dance floor for a Special Olympics event or they do the straight guy shuffle, tell him you’ll call em’ and peace out. If they salsa/meringue, cut a mean two-step, and James Brown still lives when they hear a rhythm section, you will probably have a good time.

8)The Trinity—social scientists who study marriage and the family report three identifiers to a successful long-term coupling: proximity, shared interests, and common values. If you live in DC and he lives in NYC, forget about it. You don’t like similar activities or can’t communicate in a shared language? Sorry. You like a closed relationship but he’s a man of the people? Nope. The trinity is an effective way to help you analyze the divide between attraction vs. dateability, if you can objectively remove your cock from the equation. Figure this stuff out before things go too far.

9)Don't Say it—at least, not for a long time. I’ve said “those words” few times as an adult, but when I have, its rarely been the right thing to do, even when it led to a relationship. You might want to cross-reference with the other rules I’ve discussed to this point. It’s easy to blurt out “those words” when you’re infatuated by a whirlwind romance or because you appreciate the peace they have brought to your life during a difficult time, but if it happens too soon or feelings have not been sorted yet, these words tend to have the same effect as cornering an animal. You don’t want to corner an animal, because then it has to make a decision, and under stress, it’s usually not the decision you want it to make. Take your time, get to know the person, and when your feelings are sincere and you believe that they probably feel the same…still don’t do it. I know this is controversial and I’m going to get shit for saying this, but it’s always better to wait it out and let the other person make the choice of saying it first, because there is a psychologically binding component in the animal brain that kicks in when choosing a mate. For weeks or months he could find you merely a pleasant companion or maybe just a glorified fuck buddy, but when the mind shifts like cracked lightning and he sees you with new eyes, connective desire will reach for you and the relationship will blossom, if you’re still around and in to it. I know that what I’m saying is foolish in a sense because timing is everything, and emotions ebb and flow too easily, but you should keep your distance until you're absolutely certain you're both feeling it. If your instincts are wrong and you say the words before he’s in the zone, you’re going to play the fool.

10)Relationships are about choosing, not being chosen—Be clear that you are the one with the checklist, not them. If you’re not taking this approach, you should reflect on your sense of self-worth, or lack thereof. Granted, you can take this too far and become one of those self-obsessed, narcissistic “Sex and The City” types who live in an environment with so many options that everything is a “deal breaker” (Isn’t that show inspired by gay men?), but if your feelings are sincere, you will be happier if your choices are based on an aggressive, objective thought process as opposed to passive hope that the choices of another include you.

On a final note, these rules are all well and good in theory, but they often go right out the door when it comes time to turn theory into praxis. Theory is one thing, but the heart speaks its own language, and the cock is illiterate. Check yo’ self.