Politico, Fuck Thyself

Tip O’neill once said that all politics is local, but for some people, not nearly local enough. That’s why the politico comes to DC. In a town where politics is religion, the congregational potluck is replaced with the special interest reception, fellowship is replaced with networking, sermons with floor speeches and press releases, confession with hearings, bible study with talking heads, and communion with lobbying. As with any religion, how you look, what you say, who you know and how much money you give to the church all make a difference in how you're perceived, determining your level of status and power in the community. In this environment, God help you if you’re an atheist.

This city draws to its worship a believer that elsewhere wouldn't find the right manna to survive, yet here, they thrive. They’re called politicos. Most arrive right out of college, blind-folded by inexperience and bearing opportunity as a birthright. Their upper-middle class upbringing coalesces around them like a cannon, their worth measured in their velocity and the pinnacle of their fulfillment found in the spot where they land. Armed with a political science degree or its equivalent, idealistic toward one form of dogmatic hackery or another, driven to both change the world and scrape and claw closer to the glowing center of power that brings status, influence, and potential for wealth, politicos make their spiritual home on the Potomac.

After years of living and working in DC, some of them in the political sphere, I’ve met and worked with many politicos and have developed a composite definition of the mean:
po•lit•i•co
–noun
Individual involved or concerned with the business of politics. Typically mean, brusque, pushy, and lacking in social skills. Hyper-critical/Judgmental in a subconscious effort to hide deep seated insecurity. Usually posses unyielding need to please those with power and/or wealth and succeed in achieving it themselves, with failure in this endeavor being their greatest fear. Speaks about nothing but politics in an effort to hide the fact that they have no personality. Exceptionally smart but not very intelligent, in the sense that they can create a box better than anyone but can’t think outside of it.

I have many politico friends that don't fall into this profile, but not enough to change my opinion, because I'm sure of a 51% + majority. I'm burdened by the unfortunate experience of meeting too many of them while working in political environments or socializing in bars. I've been dissapointed repeatedly, despite my optimism. My characterizations aren't flattering, but I don’t intend a wholly negative connotation, either. In many ways I see them as the perfect evolution of the human animal. Most politicos I’ve met are docile in a normative, middle-class sort of way and usually claim a strong value system, but easily dismiss their stated values and reveal a cunning, manipulative animal that will do anything to further their career potential. I’ve had several opportunities to introduce politico friends and acquaintances to people I know who possess political power, and I never fail to see their countenance shift to a predatory pose one would normally manifest in the context of sexual pursuit. Part of me admires them for this because I’ve personally never had the drive or the stomach for ruthless ambition. Most human predators are outwardly feral due to a lack of bonding by normative forces like education and the expectations of religious and social class, but to focus their kind of hunter energy in a Type A, buttoned up, focus-group approved facade clearly sets the rest of the world at a disadvantage, particularly when the predator doesn’t know themselves well enough to understand the distance they are capable of placing between themselves and true humanism.

Mostly, politicos just make me sad. Many of them start out with good intentions but end up only wanting money and power without realizing that their positions on issues don't make any sense for anyone not trying to make lots of money or obtain lots of power, their party affiliation nothing more than a gang they belong to instead of an ideology that should be reflected on and challenged when it doesn’t meet key standards. I'm so over these people that I sometimes feel physically ill when I meet them at parties. Luckily they leave me alone once they realize that there's nothing I can do for them to advance their career. Politico, go fuck yourself.